Breaking news! I’m going to give up my day job and become a scientist. I’m going to find someone daft enough to fund hugely expensive research into matters of plain common sense. Then, after collecting a substantial salary and being featured on the BBC website, I will retire to a life of leisure and luxury and congratulate myself on having saved the world.

So what’s got my goat this time? Some very clever scientists have discovered that dirty tea towels harbour germs!

No S*** Sherlock!

This irked me on so many levels.

• There are countless problems that genuinely need scientific research. How about more cancer research? Or ridding our oceans of plastic? Why are resources being wasted on something as pathetically useless as this project? And is the BBC so short of news that they waste space on it?
• These extremely clever scientists tested 100 tea towels that had been used for a month! A sample of 100 is hardly representative. AND who on earth would use a tea towel for a MONTH without washing it? Perhaps they could only find 100 suitably stupid and dirty people.
• In the list of recommendations to prevent us being killed by botulism or eColi was… and I quote… “The use of disposable cloths or paper towels will stop the spread of germs.” Well whoopy doopy! Aren’t we meant to be cutting down on waste? How many of these disposable cloths contain harmful plastics and other substances that damage the environment? Quite a few, I’ll be bound.
• These recommendations are basic food hygiene procedures. They are nothing new. It’s common sense. Has our nanny state made us so incapable of original thought that we don’t know that food preparation area and things like cloths must be kept clean? Oh yes… and wash your hands too. Now that’s a novel idea. I must try that one.
• Perhaps we need more antibacterial sprays and wipes. That way we can make sure future generations don’t develop any immunity to germs and bacteria. Let’s kill off all the good bacteria as well as bad ones. Then we can grow some really good superbugs to kill off the elderly and the infirm. Scientific research has already shown that the use of antibacterial cleaning products are causing an increase in problems like asthma and allergies.

For goodness sake, let common sense prevail. Wash your tea towels and your dishcloths regularly. And your towels and face flannels. Keep things clean. It’s not rocket science. As far as I’m concerned, if your filthy old towels have been in use for a month without being washed, you deserve to contract every deadly disease going. And I don’t need any so-called research scientist to work it out for me either. Do you?